Tag Archives: random
Supercritical
I’m everybody’s cheerleader. I’m always encouraging my friends to treat themselves with care and pointing out the positive when all they can see is the negative. Depressed? But look at everything you’ve overcome! Depression doesn’t typically last forever! Good things will come your way! Not losing weight? Hey, you’re maintaining! You’re exercising! You’re working hard at changing your habits! Bad workout? You tried! Off days happen!
When it comes to myself, however, it’s a completely different story. Depressed? Snap out of it already. Not losing weight? Stop eating so much. Bad workout? Your body is completely incapable of doing such complicated movements.
Michelle at Sangria Sisters wrote a blog post several months ago about putting down her sword–about working to counter the nagging, self-doubting, self-critical voice in her head. I really, seriously need to do that.
I’ve always been very critical of myself for reasons I’m not totally aware of. I was valedictorian of my graduating class in high school, but I didn’t have a 4.0. I’m the third person in my family to ever graduate from college (my mom was the first, older cousin was the second), but I was 25 at the time and not 22. Also, $100,000 in loan debt (I want to cry every.single.time I think about that). I have a beautiful home, but it’s not spotless. I’m in a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man, but I don’t do enough for him. I’ve lost weight, but not fast enough and I still have so much to lose. I’m exercising, but not often enough.
And I allow it to hold me back. I want to write a book, but I’m not creative enough. I want to work for myself, but I’m not talented enough to make a living unless someone else pays me.
Is it any wonder I’m so depressed and tense? My self-critic has way too much control. I really need to take a page from Michelle’s book and lay down the freaking sword already.
Here’s my plan for achieving that:
Step one: Recognize the thoughts. I didn’t realize that I had all of this floating around in there until I started writing this post. I have a tendency to get lost in thought, but I never really know what those thoughts are. I don’t know if this is an ADHD thing or just a general self-awareness thing, but I’ve got to get it figured out.
Step two: Recognize that the thoughts might make sense on some level. Yes, BG, you could exercise more.
Step three: Recognize that the thoughts don’t make sense on a practical level. You’ve been exercising twice a week because your muscles are still getting used to being used. It’s taking two or three days to recover between workouts. It’s not because you’re lazy, it’s because you’re trying to increase your strength while remaining injury-free. More workouts will come with time.
Step four: Repeat.
It’s going to be difficult, I’m not gonna lie. But I have to cut myself some slack–this is not healthy.
Waiting for the Train
We were supposed to go for a ride on the Verde Canyon Railroad today. We got on the train. Then, for the first time since 1990 (or so the people at the train depot said), the engine broke down in such a way that we would not actually be able to go on the train ride.
Sweet.
But the Boy got a picture of me waiting for the train, so it was all worth it, right?
Yeah, the look on my face is weird.
Long Days
Wow. Long days at work, spent wrestling with PowerPoint? My brain is breaded and deep fried right now. But I’m posting!!
Question for my fellow bandsters: How do you feel after you eat string cheese? Full to the brim? Still hungry? Place me firmly in category #2. The cheese, it does nothing! Do I need a fill? I don’t really *want* a fill, but do I *need* one?
Am I over thinking things right now because I can?
Probably.
Thursday Weigh-In and (You Guessed It) Ramblings
Starting Weight: 298.2 pounds
Last Week’s Weight: 211.0 pounds
Today’s Weight: 209.4 pounds
A 1.6 pound loss. I’m oddly disappointed–I was 208.6 on Monday and was really hoping I’d get to 208.2 (90 pounds lost) today. AND, when I stepped on the scale at 6:30, I was at 209.0. I laid down for another 45 minutes, went pee again, and weighed again because I thought it would go down some. NOPE! Repeated efforts to make the number smaller by moving my scale around the bathroom didn’t work.
At the same time, I’m relieved. I was really afraid that I was going to be battling 211 for a while. Downward progress is excellent :)
Do you think I can lose 9.6 pounds this week??
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I know, I know. I don’t call, I don’t write. I had a huge project dumped in my lap earlier this week and I’ve been kind of panicked about it. It’s taking a lot of time and energy. But exercise is going really well (with one exception, I’ve been on the treadmill at least every other day for an hour for the past three or four weeks). I finally worked my way up to 60 consecutive seconds of jogging–I did W1D3 of C25k last night and am trying to decide if I should repeat the first week again or if I should give the second week a go.
Also, I was half-heartedly hoping that I’d see some huge weight decreases for a couple of weeks because of the amount of cardio I’ve been doing. I’m not eating a ton of extra calories to make up for my energy expenditure, but my losses have been pretty normal. Shucks.
Revised Goal (and Other Ramblings)
I’d bet that if I did a count the word “ramble” or some variation thereof would be the most frequently used word in my post titles. Because that’s what I’m good at and, as I always say, one should go with one’s talents.
I had a counseling session last night, which was (as you may expect) full of ramblings. We talked about my goal weight and putting a number on it. As I told my counselor, it’s not that I’m going to get bent out of shape if I never see the number, but I want to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Saying “We’ll see how it goes” just doesn’t work for me in this case. If I do that, I’m going to feel like being in the weight loss stage is never going to end; I already feel like it’s been entirely too long and I should have been at goal (whatever that is) long ago.
We both agreed that 145 (putting me at a “normal” BMI) would be WAY too skinny and unrealistic for me as my pre-plastic surgery goal. But since I don’t have any reference as to what I look like at different weights, it’s hard to know if 160 is even reasonable. So, I’m changing everything to reflect a goal of 180 pounds. When I get there, I’m going to take it five pounds at a time until I’m at a weight that’s sustainable for me. If that means staying at 180, I’m okay with that. I look at pictures on the blogs of other bandsters who are my height (5’4″), and 170-180 looks great on them. I have the same hope for me.
And really, the thought of losing 30 more pounds sounds a lot more doable than another 50. When I think that I have 50 pounds left, I just want to give up. When I think of losing 30, I’m ready to take it on!
So–new goal: 180, then 5 pounds at a time until I’m satisfied and at a weight I can maintain.
I’m not sure how my weigh-in’s going to go tomorrow. I was at 209.2 over the weekend, but today the scale read 211.2! It’s pretty typical–I’ll see a number that I think is unrealistically low (like this weekend’s, which would have meant that I lost two pounds in two or three days), and then the number goes up and up and up. BOUNCE! So it’ll be interesting. I might wake up and see 215 tomorrow!
Lab Results, My Shield, and Horrible Relationships
I warn you now: I don’t really know where this is gonna go.
My doctor’s office called Monday. Everything is, apparently, normal. I’ve been feeling better and haven’t scheduled an appointment at my band doc’s office. I think it was just a persistent bug of some sort because there were many, many people at work who have had various GI issues over the past three weeks or so. I think I still need to make an appointment with an endocrinologist, however.
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Why is it that I’m okay with putting a up video of myself putting on and taking off body shapewear (just me in bra and jeans), but I’m too afraid to sit down and start writing creative fiction?
It goes back to the identity thing I wrote about last week. I said that my identity has always been wrapped up in my fat, but now I’m not so sure that’s true.
I think I’m fat to cushion myself from other people–to keep them away from me. People can ridicule my body all they want to, which is why I’m fine with a posting that video on the Internet, because that’s not who I am. But writing a book is mortifying because there’s so much chance for rejection in that. People will think my ideas or stupid or my writing style is choppy or my dialogue is bad. And that’s dislike for something that truly represents part of me. My body? It’s a shield. My writing? It’s my soul. Even if I don’t show it to anyone, there’s the possibility that someone could stumble upon it somehow. I’m not willing to risk it.
Where does blogging fit into all of this? I don’t know. I’m pretty open about everything here. Maybe it’s the illusion of anonymity I have.
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The Boy’s not going to like this one….
I’ve been in a grand total of three relationships, counting the Boy. (But if you ask him, he’s the only guy I’ve ever dated.)
No boy even looked at me until I was 18 and out of high school. I was fat, smart, and (to make the trifecta of unattractiveness complete), as un-athletic as they come. Of course no male in his right mind would want to be seen with me! The first guy who asked me out was in his late 20s, the father of three children, and separated from his demonic bitch of a wife. Note that I call her that because it’s the nicest way I can think to describe her–I generally try to watch my language on my blog.
Of course I said yes!
I stayed with this man through his divorce. I stayed with him when his ex’s boyfriend chased me, on a highway, at 90 miles per hour for over 20 miles–with the three kids in the back of the car and my boyfriend’s ex goading him (I have no doubt that they would have run me off the road had I allowed them to get close enough to my car). I stayed with him through her death threats and insults. Why? Because nobody else was going to pay attention to me. I’d be alone (*gasp*) for the rest of my life. Even when I knew that my life would go nowhere with him, I stayed.1
And then he died.
The three years I was single (and dateless) was long enough to convince me that I was destined to become a crazy cat lady. But then, something strange happened. Three days before I moved to Arizona, a coworker and I decided to try life in a long distance relationship (he moved to New Jersey a few days before I moved to Phoenix). I’d give you more details, but I’m still really not sure how it all came to pass. I went from hating the guy to counting the days until I was able to fly across the country to see him (or until he was able to make it here).
He cheated on me, more than once. If you found him today and asked him, I’m sure he’d still deny it, but I know he did. And he was emotionally abusive. But I stayed with him. Why? Because nobody else was going to pay attention to me. I’d be alone (*gasp*) for the rest of my life. It wasn’t until he stopped returning my calls and I saw the I love you message from someone who wasn’t me on his MySpace page that things clicked into place.2 It’s amazing how much we can cloud our own vision when we want to badly enough.
I am blessed. I have the Boy now. He doesn’t have an ex who threatens me or engages in high-speed car chases with children in the vehicle. He doesn’t manipulate me. He doesn’t have a profile on Match.com. He doesn’t disappear for weeks at a time. But sometimes I wonder…if he weren’t the best thing since sliced bread (and he is!), would I still stay with him out of fear and desperation?
1He wasn’t a bad man; I don’t want to give anyone that impression. He was loving, sweet, and kind. But it wasn’t a good situation for me to be in, and I shudder to think what my life would be like today if things had been different.
2This guy is a bad man. He no longer has a name; I call him “The Asshole” on the rare occasions when he comes up. Were I a person who harbored ill will for anyone, I would wish him a painful, drawn out death. Fortunately, I’m not like that. Also, I should have known that things wouldn’t work out with him when I realized that I was always going to hate his laugh. It wasn’t a laugh so much as a high-pitched giggle that evil sidekicks make in horrible cartoon movies. *shudder*
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This is why I haven’t blogged lately. I don’t have a topic in my brain, just a lot of the past floating around.
Who Am I?
Sometimes I don’t know what to talk about when I have a counseling appointment, and sometimes I have nights like tonight, when an hour isn’t enough time to get everything out of my head.
I brought up everything I wrote about last Wednesday and then some–how I’ve been feeling miserable physically, how I’m tired of being in Weight Loss Mode, and how I’m stressing about every food choice I make.
But what really hit home for me tonight was our discussion about how I still feel like I did when I was 300 pounds. Yes, I know there are changes to my body. I know that I have changed physically. But my brain is still pictures me like it did in May of 2009 when I started my pre-op diet.
“Well,” she said, “that makes sense when you think about what you used your weight for.”
Oh yeah. It was primarily a defense mechanism to keep people away.
“Girl, you’ve developed other defenses to give yourself distance from people you don’t want to let in. How do you deal with [a specific person you don't like but have to interact with]?”
I’m going to try to remind myself that I am, at the very least, playing grown-up. I’m not eight years old. I have tools I can use to keep people at a safe distance if I need to or want to, and none of them are “eat myself into oblivion.” I have an awesome glare, trustworthy people I can talk to, and a blog where I can write. My hope is that I can convince myself that it’s okay to feel like I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight because I don’t need to be fat.
I think I’m also suffering from a bit of an identity crisis brought on by my recent shopping adventure. Tonight I remembered a time when I was in Lane Bryant, watching another woman shop. She’s way too skinny to be shopping here, I thought as she picked up a pair of jeans, tried them on, and purchased them.
What does that make me now? Too skinny to shop at Lane Bryant and too overwhelmed to look for other stores where I can find clothing. It seems so little, so inconsequential, but I’m freaking out because of it.
My identity has always been, in large part (no pun intended), fat. I’m running out of that part of me. What am I going to replace it with?
(I wrote and posted this while in my car. It’s the future!)
Three Questions and NSVs
We All Need a Bit of Random, Right?
I don’t really have organized thoughts right now, but I feel like I need to blog. So here we go!
I was amazed at some of the emailed responses I got to my food post the other day! I will admit that I do need a fill (and I have one scheduled, but it takes three or more weeks to get in at my surgeon’s office), but I don’t think my portions are out of control. More than some of you eat? Sure. Want to teach me a thing or two? Take pictures of your food for two days and send me the URL. I would love to see how the rest of you are eating! I don’t really know many bandsters in real life so I don’t know how others eat. I’m seriously interested.
I read a lot of weight loss blogs and communities. Sometimes I see posts from people whose significant others have told them how much sexier they are now than before weight loss. I am so grateful that the Boy has never given me any indication that he feels that way. Do I feel more attractive now? Some days. Has weight loss helped increased my…erm…flexibility? Absolutely (and it’s fun)! But the Boy looks at me the same way and has said that I just look different now than I did 70 pounds ago, not better. Maybe he’s making it up, but I would be absolutely devastated if he’d said that he likes me better now.
I really hate it when people compare themselves to me. “You’ve lost 70 pounds in a year? I didn’t lose that much!” That’s totally okay, guys!! Especially if you only had 70 pounds to lose overall instead of 140 like me. My body was more willing to release that weight because it had so much extra. Yours will come off, too. Just stick with it, even when you’re discouraged!
I really hate it when I compare myself to others. “SHE (you know who you are, Amy W.) lost 120 pounds her first year, why didn’t I?” Because, Girl, her journey was her journey. This is yours. Enjoy the ride! (I pick on Amy because she’s easygoing and awesome.)
I’d really like to start my exercise routine with yoga instead of cardio. I have my orthotics back and am breaking them in, per my doctor, before I try the gym again…. I don’t know. I’d just really like to start with yoga to help my incessantly hurting back feel better and to help decrease my morning stiffness. I’d really like to do it at a studio, though, where there is structure and guidance. I fear injuring myself (yes, you can incur injuries from stretching) and like the idea of having scheduled classes. The least expensive studio I’ve found is $60 every month (it even has great reviews online). While that’s a far cry from the $150 most studios charge, it’s still well beyond what I can afford. Maybe the limited offer will still be valid after I get my credit card paid off in a few months. So. Cardio it is!
How are you all doing? Have any random thoughts to share?