Tag Archives: emogirl

Aug 5 2010

On Most Days

On most days, I feel fairly good about myself. I’ve worked hard to change the way I think about and approach food. I’ve worked hard to start recognizing what my body needs and wants. I’ve worked hard to lose over 75 pounds. Yeah, I had weight loss surgery, but I have WORKED for every ounce I’ve lost. The fat hasn’t flown off just because of the silicone device squeezing my stomach.

On most days, I’m okay with the fact that I still have 60ish pounds left to lose. I’m more than halfway to my goal, and that’s awesome.

Today isn’t like most days, though.
Today I realize that I’ve only lost 35 pounds in 2010. Why haven’t I lost 60?
Today I wonder how much longer I have to struggle before I feel normal.
Today I question whether 160 pounds is even a reasonable goal for me. I’m only 5’4″ and the BMI charts say I should weigh less than 145 to be “normal.” Should my goal be 20 or 30 pounds lower than it is? If so, I have that much further to go.
Today I think about everything I want to do and realize that I’m saddled with a ton of debt to deal with before I can even begin.
Today I wish I had a time machine so I could tell my 18 year old self how to do it better so that my 27 year old self wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed and trapped.

Today, I’m trying to remind myself how truly fortunate and blessed I am. I have my wonderful Boy, a beautiful house, more food than I can (or want) to eat, an amazing Mom, air conditioning AND a heater running in my office (ha!), supportive friends, and a dragon teapot (I’ll post a picture). However, it’s only backfiring because I feel astoundingly guilty for having a really down day when I’m absolutely spoiled rotten.

God, this had better not be the new birth control. I feel horrible.

Dragon Teapot

But I have a dragon teapot!

Jul 15 2010

Thursday Weigh-Ins + EmoGirl

Are you ready??

June 17: 226.8 pounds
June 24: Skipped (moved the previous day, didn’t want to deal with it)
July 01: 225.0 pounds
July 08: 223.6 pounds
July 15: 224.2 pounds

Overall change since last weigh-in on the blog: Down 2.6 pounds. I’ll take it, all things considered.

Get your own graph at skinnyr

It was hard for me to post Tuesday’s Slimpressions video. If this is what I look like now, I thought, what the hell did I look like when I was knocking on 300 pounds’ door?

I weigh less now than I did when I was 18. I’m wearing a pants size that starts with a 1 for the first time ever (except for a one or two month period when I was in 18s five years ago). I’ve been feeling pretty good about the way I look.

After watching myself in that video, I was ready to cry and those negative feelings haven’t dissipated at all over the past few days. I’ve worked so hard and I was starting to actually feel good about the way I look, but now I realize how much more work I have left to do before maintenance even begins. This journey, which seemed so doable a few days ago, now seems insurmountable and hopeless.

I would love to tell you that it’s all good because I have the band and I’m going to lose my remaining 65 pounds of excess, no problem. But the truth? The truth is that I feel like this is where I’m going to stay. Bandsters can expect, they say, to lose 50-75% of their excess weight. I’m sitting at around 50% right now.

What I can tell you is this: I am determined. I am stubborn. I am strong. I shifted my focus for the move, but now the Boy and I are getting a little more stable in our house and our routines. It’s time for me refocus on being healthy. This ISN’T the end of the weight loss road for me, it’s just a little bump. I feel like this is where I’ll be stuck for the rest of my life, but I know that what I feel is not necessarily the truth.

I’m so glad that I can type that out and mean it. I think that’s a victory in itself.

Jan 5 2010

‘Splain, Girl, ‘Splain!

You know how Ricky would look at Lucy and say, “Lucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do!” (I really want to include a picture form the show, but copyright laws disallow that!)

I need to ‘splain to you all about my EmoGirl post from a few days ago.

The holiday season doesn’t bring out the best in me. I do not love Christmas or live for the New Year. I spend a lot of time reflecting and getting depressed.

I was in a down mood when I wrote that post and should have paused before pressing the “Publish” button, but I didn’t. I don’t really regret the post, but some thought wouldn’t have hurt; had I postponed until morning, I probably would have deleted the draft.

Really, that’s all it was: a down series of days that culminated in a blog post so angst-ridden my teenaged self would have been jealous. I would apologize, but it’s insight into who I am. I try to be positive, but sometimes I’m just downright depressing.

Dec 29 2009

What is My Motivation?

I took some time off to ask myself the following: Why am I blogging?

I started this blog for two reasons. First, I wanted to chronicle my lap-band journey. Second, I wanted to help people who were in the same boat as me.

My journey has been mostly fraught with frustration–difficult fills, slow loss, and an inability to exercise due to asthma. I was so hopeful six months ago. I just knew that I was going to be at least 50 pounds down by now, but it’s just not happening. Why? Why why why why why? (I think it’s my beautiful polycystic ovaries, but that’s a discussion for another time.)

I wanted to help people. I wanted to be someone others could look to. But I don’t have many readers. I can’t even find my blog on Google when I type in relevant search terms. “It takes time,” the Boy says when I lament my unpopularity. But then I read blogs of people who have been banded for less than half the time I have who regularly get 20 or more comments on every post they write. I barely get 20 visitors a week.

There’s just something about me that people don’t respond to. I’m not compelling or vivacious or something. I don’t know what it is, but it’s always been like this and my lack of popularity in the blogosphere is bringing forth some pretty deep-seeded issues.

Maybe it’s because I’m negative and angst-ridden (sorry, guys).

In any event, I am at a crossroads. Should I continue blogging here or should I just keep my personal logs? I really don’t know.

So, I’m going home on Thursday to spend some time with my mom, provided the roads to southwest Colorado aren’t too icy. I’ve got a lot of time to think as I drive, and this will be on my mind.

Your thoughts are welcome, as always.

Nov 22 2009

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I was getting ready for work one day last week and caught a nakkid glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror. I had to do a double-take.

For the first time, I actually noticed that I’m losing weight in a real world sense–not just a numbers sense. It was amazing. My tummy’s getting smaller and my back-fat rolls are starting to disappear. Since then I’ve also noticed that my face is thinning out (though it is still quite round and double-chinned).

Yesterday, I winced as I realized that the underwires in my bra were poking me under my arms, indicating that my bra’s cup size was too large. When I was getting dressed today, I really saw how much my poor, deflated breasts are swimming in their means of support.

I’ve been getting more and more discouraged as time goes on. I’m not perfect, but I’m doing a lot of things right on this journey and my weight is just…staying. As I’ve watched my WLS buddies and their progress on Twitter and their blogs, I’ve slipped into sadness more and more. I’ve had moments of serious regret that I decided upon the gastric band rather than a bypass.

I think that ultimately, I made the best choice for me in the long run. I believe that I will be happy that I chose this surgery eventually. My brain knows that this is a life-long journey and that overnight results aren’t possible. But my emotions sometimes (okay, frequently) get the better of me and I just want to be done. I want the weight to be gone. I’m so tired of the struggle. So tired.

Still. There are changes. I’m starting to see them. And that, my friends, is heartening.