I’ve been far worse off, but I sure as hell would rather not be in this Valley of Hopelessness right now (or ever again). Anyway, at least I know why my depression has come out to play this time.

I traveled quite a bit this summer (over a week in San Francisco, almost a week in Washington, DC and San Diego, and a trip to my “home” in Colorado) and managed to gain in excess of 20 pounds in seven weeks. For those of you not keeping track at home, it took me a year to lose those 20-25 pounds the first time. Maintaining my weight was pretty effortless while I remained in Phoenix, and it was quite a shock to come back from it all to realize that this weight problem I have is for real. It’s never going to go away, no matter how skinny I get. Now my inner Mad-Eye Moody is doing his stomping shuffle around in my brain screaming, “Con-stant VIGILANCE” any time I contemplate maybe putting a teaspoon of sugar in my coffee. My inner fat girl is curled up in a cobwebby corner with a journal, writing bad poetry about how the struggle won’t pay off anyway–I might as well have that amazing chocolate cake even though it’ll make me feel horrible later (Fat girls deserve to feel horrible all the time; we’re not really people anyway.).

I’m also faced with the reality that I’m going to have to find a job soon. I don’t know where to look. I don’t know what I’d enjoy. Can I stand in a street with a Will blog for munnies sign? Would I actually have to WRITE? Would anyone read what I wrote? What would I write about? Oh Lord, I’m overwhelmed.

There you have it; I’m a 28 year-old woman with a slew of amazingly real First World Problems. If you need me, I’ll be in bed.

The short answer to the question, “Was weight loss surgery worth it to you?” is yes. As with many things in life, the longer answer is more complex.

The good? I lost 100 pounds in 18 months and have mostly maintained that loss for the last six months. My constant knee pain is gone, as are my daily headaches. My almost constant back and neck pain have been greatly reduced. I have made many wonderful, beautiful, amazing friends in the weight loss surgery community (mostly on Twitter) and have been fortunate enough to meet several of them in person. I can shop in stores with names which don’t start with “Lane” and end with “Bryant” (although some XLs are still too small).

Most importantly, I have learned so much about diet and exercise and found that I have a real passion for this stuff! If I hadn’t lost some weight, I don’t think I would have had the drive to delve as in-depth as I have into these worlds. WLS also gave me a new starting point when it comes to diet; the most recent changes I’ve made would have seemed impossible to me two years ago. I’ll tell you more about that in an upcoming post (promise!).

The not so good? I’m still “obese” by almost every standard you can think of (body fat percentage, BMI, double chin test, etc.). I still don’t get taken seriously by doctors when I tell them that I’m pretty damn positive I have an endocrine/metabolic/hormonal problem of some sort (I’m still continuously tired, bruise as easily as an overripe peach, feel like I’m slightly out of phase from the rest of the world, among other things). Also, as I’ve stated before, I get bent out of shape when I think about the absolute WRONGNESS of our current view on nutrition and how maybe none of us would need to resort to surgery if people would wake up and realize that low-fat calorie restriction simply is not working for most people.

I think the big question is, “Would you recommend WLS to others?”

I’ve never had a blanket answer for that, to be honest. I’ve always said that it depends upon the individual, and I still think that’s true. If anything, I think I’d like to see more restriction on the people who have surgery. Now, I don’t mean for insurance purposes, but I do think that many surgeons’ offices should have more in-depth analysis of individuals to see if they have the wherewithal required to be successful WLS patients. I do not think that everyone with a BMI over a certain number should automatically qualify for surgery. There are just too many intricacies and unknowns that come with WLS of any type.

10:00ish: I've never had the full-fat Fage before. It was truly amazing.

3:30ish: Macadamia nuts -- I had a few more than this.

4:45ish: I realized I hadn't had much to eat today, but didn't want to eat. Drank some decaf with 8oz milk, cinnamon, vanilla, and coconut oil instead of solid food.

7:30ish: Made myself eat; we call this "Sausage Medley." Reduced fat sausage, bell pepper, onion, and shredded potatoes topped with cheese and an egg. The bowl holds a bit less than a cup.

This is NOT a typical day of eating for me. It’s super skimpy on the veggies. I don’t really eat yogurt anymore, but I’m on a pretty strong antibiotic right now and trying to stave off a yeast infection. I eat potatoes once every few weeks. My food choices are generally more solid and less mushy.

I also posted a visual food log in December, and another for two days last June. The way I eat has evolved so much over time and I’m grateful to have these visual reminders of how far I’ve come–even in the four and a half months since I last did this.

(Want to see what other WLS eat? Check out Former Fat Dudes, Journey to a Healthier Me, Melting Mama, WLS Vitagarden, Beariatric, The World According to Eggface, and Bariatric Foodie!)

Starting Weight: 298.2 pounds
Last Recorded Weight: 197.2 pounds
Today’s Weight: 194.0

That’s a loss of 3.2 pounds since February 18. It’s my lowest weight to date and well outside of my latest maintenance range! I’m going to say that I’m finally losing weight again; I’ll share what I’ve been doing soon.

I really need to learn how to stop playing with my hair. And where the center of my camera’s field of vision is.

Her questions were:
1. do you eat low-carb or just smaller portions?
2. how has your PCOS changed (if at all) with the band?

When I’m eating to my ideal, I focus on consuming a lot of protein and fewer carbs. I try to stay away from sugar, potatoes, bread, and pasta. I try to eat low-glycemic fruits and veggies.

When my choices fall on the less-than-ideal point in the spectrum, I still try to watch my portion sizes and to eat only when I’m hungry (I’ll write more about this in an upcoming post). So, if ice cream is on my menu for the day, I eat a serving (or even half a serving) and not a gallon. I firmly believe that this has been why I’ve maintained my weight loss for the last six months–I’ve not been making great choices about the content of my meals, but I’ve been watching my portions and trying to eat when my body needs food, not for emotional reasons.

As far as PCOS post-band goes…I really don’t know. I really wish I could be more definitive for you! I’ve used hormonal birth control for six years to control my symptoms, so I can’t say that I’ve noticed a huge difference since June of 2009. I did have to switch they type of birth control I was using about a year after I got banded. My old brand just wasn’t working well for me; I assume because of hormonal changes associated with weight loss.

I hope that answers your questions, Jessica!

Does anyone else have a question for me? Feel free to leave a comment or email me using my contact form.

I’ve spent a lot of my time being petrified, wondering if I can really make this all work. I’m the only one in my circle of friends and acquaintances who doubts my ability but, when push comes to shove, I’m the one who has to believe I can make this work. And the only way I can make myself do that is by getting stuff done. Will Rogers said, Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there. I’d rather not get run over, thankyouverymuch.

I don’t have much weight loss news. My weight’s been fluctuating between 196-200 since the end of December. I’d like to say that I’m thrilled to be practicing maintenance, but I’d really just rather lose this last 30 pounds. On the bright side, I really think I needed a break from the “must lose weight” mentality. My brain is starting to catch up to my body. If I had to guess, I’d say I probably see myself as though I’m about 225 pounds, which is a vast improvement from the days when my mental image of myself was 300 pounds. There are days when I feel downright skinny. Other days? Super fat.

I’m still seeing my trainer and have built a lot of muscle. Mom was here a few weeks ago and says that I look smaller than I did over Thanksgiving. To confirm that, a friend I haven’t seen in a while said that it looks like I’ve lost 20 pounds in the last few months. GO MUSCLES!

Band wise, I’m doing okay. My restriction tends to be all over the place–fine one day, too tight the next.  I’ve been eating a lot of ice cream and chocolate of late, but my desire for sweets is decreasing as my comfort level with my life increases.

And now, just because I can, I’m doing a meme!

Age: 28
Bed size: Queen
Chore you dislike: All of ‘em!  But I always make the Boy do things related to the cat’s litter box and I avoid touching the trash and recycle bins if at all possible.  Yuck!
Dogs: None!
Essential start to your day: Cuddles with the Boy.  And I never feel quite right if the Cat doesn’t come to get some attention and shower me with purrs.
Favorite color: Blue.  Deep shades like cobalt and my sapphire engagement ring that I got the other day ;)
Gold or silver: Silver or White Gold.
Height: 5′4″.  I always always wanted to be taller.  Alas!
Instruments you play(ed): Recorder (tenor and soprano), piano, flute.  Now I can’t even read music.
Job title: Uh.  Freelancer?  Blogger?  Person who sits in her PJs all day?
Kids: No thank you :)
Live: The Phoenix metro area.
Mom’s name: Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mother.
Nicknames: Just call me BG ;)
Overnight hospital stays: Several when I was little.  Once for pneumonia (I was 2), whereupon my asthma was diagnosed.  Once or twice after that due to asthma-related complications.  Most recently was when I had my gallbladder removed in 2006.
Pet peeves: I hate hate hate chewing and mouth noises.  Nothing can make me twitch so quickly as someone eating next to me.
Quote from a movie: Oh, I’m really bad at this.  Really bad.  Sorry.
Righty or lefty: Righty.
Siblings: Just me!
Time you wake up: Oh, it depends.  I’m trying to make myself get up when the Boy’s alarm goes off at 6:45.
Underwear: You know, I’m having a really hard time with underwear right now.  Everything that’s big enough to fit over my tummy is too big everywhere else.
Vegetables you don’t like: I cannot eat cooked carrots.  And a lot of types of squash.
What makes you run late: HA!  The Boy!
X-rays you’ve had: I think I’ve had pretty much every body part X-rayed at this point.  Most recently was my right shoulder after a training mishap about a month ago.
Yummy food you make: Homemade egg noodles, stews, chili.
Zoo animal favorites: The Phoenix Zoo has stingrays half the year and I love looking at them!

I did weigh in yesterday! I lost 1.2 pounds in two weeks! I’ll take it, as always :)

I had a .1 cc unfill today. I CAN DRINK WATER! It’s amazing. I didn’t realize how long it’s been since I’ve really been able to eat without stress and now I’m struggling not to eat everything I see. Fortunately, I’m on a softish-food diet for a few days, so that limits my options a bit.

Chocolate’s still in, though :)